The time 'The Voice' made an imprint memory
Updated: Aug 29
Me: "No I swear, I can hear voices in my head."
Everyone: "That's just your conscience, Jenna."
For as long as I could remember, I always had this little voice inside of my head. Commenting on everything I do, say, wear, or look. She doesn't really sound like me, but when I talk to her, she does sound like me. Sometimes she will talk for me, before I can even catch her. She can be mean, but she can also be way too nice. I use to have no control over her. Sometimes I use to be able to see her, but now... not so much. When I did see her inside of my head.. she would sit on the left side on the back of my head. Watching my life through my eyes, and controlling me with her powerful voice.
I know what a conscience is.... but this wasn't that.
She use to tell me to do bad things. Out of the blue. She came and went has she pleased. She came, took control, and left a mess.
She was much worse when I was younger. I remember the bad days all too well.
It was a Saturday Summer morning. Dad worked all day Saturdays. So it would be my mom, Alyssa, and I. For the whole day! It use to be so much fun! I was about 6 years old and Alyssa was 4. We were going to the Flea Market to meet up with my mothers father. I remember Alyssa and I went to go wait outside for my mom in the Silver minivan. My mom was on the phone with her dad when she came down the driveway. I remember my sister and I standing in the doorway of the minivan doors watching our mom walking to the minivan. I went to go move out of the way to slide the door shut so we could get in our seats. Alyssa was to the right of me when I told her to move out of the way. "Move Alyssa. I'm going to shut the door." I remember saying. She wasn't moving, she was yelling out playfully to mom, "common mommy!"....... "shut it." The voice said..... and I did. Right on my little sisters 4 year old head. It was all in slow motion, but happened so fast. Almost like a "View Master." (90's toy) My mother hung up the phone and ran over. It was a blur after. The only image that played over and over again was me slamming my sisters head into the sliding van doors. I just remember my mom being very angry and upset at me the whole day. My excuse to my mother and everyone else was, "I told her to move." I began to second guess myself...."did I tell Alyssa to move?" And that was it. Because that was simply it. I told her to move. I never really thought about it much. Something inside me underneath the anger, blackout, numb feeling was me crying and hugging Alyssa after seeing the cut on the right and left side of her head, but I didn't. I didn't move. I didn't say anything or feel. I can't recall saying 'sorry.' Most likely my mother had to make me say it.
I look back at my childhood and often avoid the feelings and emotions I felt. Simply because it was all too much to handle or process. I was too young to be feeling these deep emotions the way I did. The Voice always says the same thing to me when I ask "why is this happening"...TO THIS DAY
The Voice: "There is a reason for all these feelings you feel"
The Voice: "One day you will see.."